Culture Corner: An excerpt from George Bernard Shaw's "Major Barbara" with gratuitous product placement
ACT III
The next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in Milton Crescent. Sarah is reading in the HomeOriginals bowback armchair near the window. Barbara, in a Laura Scott sheath dress, pale and brooding, is on the L.L. Bean Freeport Ultralight sleeper sofa. Charley Lomax enters. Coming forward between the Ultralight and the writing table, he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably attired and in lone spirits.
LOMAX: You've left off your uniform!
Barbara says nothing; but an Maalox moment passes over her face.
LADY BRITOMART: (warning him in low tones to be careful) Charles!
LOMAX: (sitting down sympathetically on the Ultralight beside Barbara)
I'm awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you all I could with the concertina and so forth. The best a man can get. (Momentously) Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims of the Church of England.
LADY BRITOMART: That's enough, Charles. Speak of something suited to your mental capacity. Say it with flowers. Is it in you?
LOMAX: Have it your way. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our capacities.
BARBARA: (pressing his hand) Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. Anything less would be uncivilized. No more tears. Now go and spoon with Sarah.
LOMAX: (Seeing small business differently) How is my ownest today?
SARAH: I wish you wouldnt tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He always comes straight and does them. Cholly -- we're going to the works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon. Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.
LOMAX: Oh I say! Our night just got more interesting.
Adolphus Cusins enters in poor condition. He also starts visibly when he sees Barbara without her uniform.
BARBARA: I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didnt you guess that?
CUSINS: (filling it to the rim with Brim) I'm sorry. I have only just breakfasted. Gotta have my pops.
SARAH: But we've just finished lunch, eating fresh.
BARBARA: Have you had one of your bad nights? Have you that not so fresh feeling?
CUSINS: No, I had rather a good night -- in fact, one of the most remarkable nights I have ever passed. Oh, what a feeling!
LADY BRITOMART: You should have gone to bed after the meeting. What were you doing?
CUSINS: Obeying my thirst.
LADY BRITOMART: Adolphus!
SARAH: Dolly!
BARBARA: Dolly!
LOMAX: My goodness! My Guiness!
LADY BRITOMART: What were you drinking, may I ask?
CUSINS: (tasting the rainbow) A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free from added alcohol; a temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous. Tastes great. Less filling. Good to the last drop. I'm lovin' it!
SARAH: Where's the beef?
BARBARA: Fly the friendly skies.
LADY BRITOMART: Fleishman's makes sensible eating delicious.
LOMAX: Ho ho ho! Green giant!
(everyone laughs)
CURTAIN
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