A Medicine Show Absolute Truth: Dakota Fanning is a Robot

Fanning will destroy the box office. Then you.
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

You may have noticed a discernible lack of posts in the last few months, dear reader. The reason will both shock and terrify you. Our rattled staff has been huddled together in the basement of a small church in Kansas (we can't say which one, but we will say it's Baptist), eating stale communion wafers and drinking wine stolen in the dark of night from the church's baptismal, crying, holding one another and hoping the nightmares will stop.

You see, dear reader, in this little business we like to call "journalism" (because that's the business' name), there comes from time to time a little thing called "getting too close to the truth" (because that's how we hear people in movies refer to it). Oh, it's not as glamorous as it sounds, friends. It's not all The Pelican Brief, or The Net, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Getting too close to the truth can be deadly, as we're finding firsthand.

Luckily, the boys in the Medicine Show IT department were able to build a working computer from things they were able to salvage from the church's basement (an old betamax player, twelve feet of twine, some pushpins and the Apocrypha), find a working wireless signal, and get us up and rolling for this special edition of a Medicine Show Absolute Truth. Because we at the Medicine Show realize that the truth, besides being a wildly successful anti-tobacco campaign, is something undisputable. Unflinching. And unfalse. Hold on to your hats, or better yet, take them off altogether lest they be blown from your heads in this mind-scrambling foray into the real motives behind America's favorite adorable moppet.

Widely believed: Fanning is an eleven-year old actress from Georgia.
The Absolute Truth: Fanning's given name is "X-22" and was created in an off-the-radar Chechnyan bio-cybernetics facility in a project funded by The Illuminati in conjunction with Fox Entertainment.

Widely believed: One of Fanning's earliest acclaimed roles was that of a kidnapped young girl in Tony Scott's Man on Fire, in which she co-starred with Denzel Washington.
The Absolute Truth: Fanning's heat lasers once set a man on fire, and his name was Tony. He had a brother named Scott, and they both lived in Washington state. The film's script, which depicted this true event, was stolen from the studio and replaced by a script about a secret service agent protecting a little girl, which critics hated.

Widely Believed: Glenn Close, who worked with Fanning in the independent film Nine Lives, said of Fanning: "She's one of those gifted people that come along every now and then."
The Absolute Truth: Close, only minutes prior to making this statement, was informed by text message that Fanning's internal microprocessor had breached her social security, checking and savings accounts and would ruin her if she didn't "do the right thing."

Widely Believed: Steven Spielberg based his 2005 blockbuster War of the Worlds on the classic novel written by H.G. Wells.
The Absolute Truth: Spielberg based the film on Fanning's account of how the destruction of the earth would occur during a sealed-off meeting in a back room at Spago in 2003, with Fanning detailing her own prime directives and promising Spielberg's life would be spared in exchange for a cut of the back end and ten cents from every DVD sale.

Widely Believed: The film Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story details the story of a young girl who nurses an aged racehorse back to strength in hopes of winning the Breeder's Cup.
The Absolute Truth: Dreamworks shortened the film's title from the original, Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story of a Robot Who Trains a Horse, fearing a backlash from the science community, feeling the public wasn't ready for such frightening technical advancements, and believing the scenes where the robot makes a barn explode might be too frightening for younger viewers.

Widely Believed: Dakota Fanning is not a robot.
The Absolute Truth: Dakota Fanning is a Robot.

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