The Medicine Show

RE: Snakes on a Plane

2006-07-31T15:12:00.000-04:00

"'Snakes on a Plane,' the horror flick with the year's best title, has become an online obsession and a pop culture phenomenon withoug even opening. Is this the shape of things to come?"
-Entertainment Weekly, August 4, 2006

FROM: Toby Emmerich, President, New Line Cinema
TO: New Line Development Staff

RE: Snakes on a Plane

Gang,

As you are all by now aware, Snakes on a Plane is shaping up to be our tentpole for summer 2006. We owe a great deal of thanks for this unlikely blessing to the internet community, who has clearly done most of our marketing for us. That, in turn, begs the question: Are we utilizing the internet surfer demographic to its fullest extent in the New Line oeuvre? I was up very late last night jotting down some notes on how to further parlay this film's success into future features, and below are my thoughts. Play around with these and see what you come up with.

EBAY: THE MOVIE - A slacker has to sell all his belongings on Ebay due to a weird clause in his grandfather's will or something. Maybe he falls in love with one of the buyers (Sarah Jessica Parker?) after they chat a lot on AOL Instant Messenger. Or Yahoo Instant Messenger. Whoever ponies up the money.

LORD OF THE RINGS: THE BLOG: THE MOVIE - Two young men realize that their lives echo the struggles of the main characters in LOTR, and after sharing their feelings with the world via the internet, realize they're not alone. No female lead.

THE ACCOUNT - After receiving a mysterious email from a stranger, a man helps a poor Nigerian escape the clutches of his tyrannical government by putting a lot of money into a bank account in Amsterdam. I'm thinking Nic Cage as the Nigerian. Also there's a website involved that kills you if you look at it (subplot). Run that last part through our international properties, see if you find anything we can purchase.

INVADING MY SPACE - a young teen finds his life uproariously turned on its ear when his 50,000 myspace friends all decide to stop by and visit his home at the same time. Also, he learns that popularity isn't everything at his high school. And a snooty cheerleader changes her tune and falls in love with him. Finale at the big homecoming game, where he scores a touchdown.

GEOCITY - A busy housewife finds herseslf magically transported to a magical place called Geocity, where everything moves really slowly and she has to wait forever to get anything done. Through this, she learns to love her family more.

MICROSOFT WORD UP! - A young street hustler (Omar Epps) writes a best-selling novel. Kevin James is the voice of a magic paperclip that guides his way.

PRIVATE SCHOOL FORUM BABES - A bunch of sexy teenage girls go to raunchy, titillating measures to fight the system when a greedy conglomerate tries to overtake the chat forum of their favorite TV show and turn it into a business forum about business news. Measures to include a bikini carwash and kissing booth.

UNTITLED CROTCH-HITTING PROJECT - A thirty-something accountant keeps getting hit in the balls with things. Fast track this.

Let me know how these progress. 2007 is going to be a great year.

Best,
Toby

A Medicine Show Absolute Truth: Dakota Fanning is a Robot

2006-01-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

Fanning will destroy the box office. Then you.
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

You may have noticed a discernible lack of posts in the last few months, dear reader. The reason will both shock and terrify you. Our rattled staff has been huddled together in the basement of a small church in Kansas (we can't say which one, but we will say it's Baptist), eating stale communion wafers and drinking wine stolen in the dark of night from the church's baptismal, crying, holding one another and hoping the nightmares will stop.

You see, dear reader, in this little business we like to call "journalism" (because that's the business' name), there comes from time to time a little thing called "getting too close to the truth" (because that's how we hear people in movies refer to it). Oh, it's not as glamorous as it sounds, friends. It's not all The Pelican Brief, or The Net, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Getting too close to the truth can be deadly, as we're finding firsthand.

Luckily, the boys in the Medicine Show IT department were able to build a working computer from things they were able to salvage from the church's basement (an old betamax player, twelve feet of twine, some pushpins and the Apocrypha), find a working wireless signal, and get us up and rolling for this special edition of a Medicine Show Absolute Truth. Because we at the Medicine Show realize that the truth, besides being a wildly successful anti-tobacco campaign, is something undisputable. Unflinching. And unfalse. Hold on to your hats, or better yet, take them off altogether lest they be blown from your heads in this mind-scrambling foray into the real motives behind America's favorite adorable moppet.

Widely believed: Fanning is an eleven-year old actress from Georgia.
The Absolute Truth: Fanning's given name is "X-22" and was created in an off-the-radar Chechnyan bio-cybernetics facility in a project funded by The Illuminati in conjunction with Fox Entertainment.

Widely believed: One of Fanning's earliest acclaimed roles was that of a kidnapped young girl in Tony Scott's Man on Fire, in which she co-starred with Denzel Washington.
The Absolute Truth: Fanning's heat lasers once set a man on fire, and his name was Tony. He had a brother named Scott, and they both lived in Washington state. The film's script, which depicted this true event, was stolen from the studio and replaced by a script about a secret service agent protecting a little girl, which critics hated.

Widely Believed: Glenn Close, who worked with Fanning in the independent film Nine Lives, said of Fanning: "She's one of those gifted people that come along every now and then."
The Absolute Truth: Close, only minutes prior to making this statement, was informed by text message that Fanning's internal microprocessor had breached her social security, checking and savings accounts and would ruin her if she didn't "do the right thing."

Widely Believed: Steven Spielberg based his 2005 blockbuster War of the Worlds on the classic novel written by H.G. Wells.
The Absolute Truth: Spielberg based the film on Fanning's account of how the destruction of the earth would occur during a sealed-off meeting in a back room at Spago in 2003, with Fanning detailing her own prime directives and promising Spielberg's life would be spared in exchange for a cut of the back end and ten cents from every DVD sale.

Widely Believed: The film Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story details the story of a young girl who nurses an aged racehorse back to strength in hopes of winning the Breeder's Cup.
The Absolute Truth: Dreamworks shortened the film's title from the original, Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story of a Robot Who Trains a Horse, fearing a backlash from the science community, feeling the public wasn't ready for such frightening technical advancements, and believing the scenes where the robot makes a barn explode might be too frightening for younger viewers.

Widely Believed: Dakota Fanning is not a robot.
The Absolute Truth: Dakota Fanning is a Robot.

Cannot compute? Email The Medicine Show

The Medicine Show Grudge Match 1993: "Whoomp, There It Is" VS. "Whoot, There It Is"

2005-07-20T03:30:00.000-04:00

The Medicine Show judges all.
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

We have a question for you. Do y'all like to party? Then let us hear you say Hey. Now let us hear you say Ho. Now throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

Aww, we're disappointed in you people. We really thought you cared. We here at the Medicine show do care, a lot, which is why we've spent the last two weeks sacrificing our time, hearts, and unrequited love of our families into bringing you today's Grudge Match. It harkens back to a simpler time, a time when all it took to have a good time was to kindly allow an MC to clear his throat. A time when all you had to do was ride that train, or just get a little boombastic.

In fact, we were so wrapped up in turning it out that perhaps we failed to notice that in the same month, two tracks were unleashed upon the public that prompted roughtly the same call to action. One was Tag Team's infectious "Whoomp, There It Is," the other being 95 South's "Whoot, There It Is." But which would prevail?

Challenge: When we find where it is, what do we shout?
While Atlanta maestros Tag Team suggest that when we find it, we alert those around us with a staggering "whoomp!", 95 South would have us utter a rollicking "whoot!" The Medicine Show's English department informs us that in terms of onomotopoeia, "whoomp" delivers the much stronger sound, like that of a massive, resounding thud or crash. "Whoot," these same experts tell us, is a little more passive, not unlike the subtle calls G.I.'s give one another during stealthy missions in war movies, or the sound one makes when teaching children the sounds an owl produces. POINT: Tag Team is clearly making a much louder noise when determining where it is.

Challenge: What are we looking for, anyway?
95 South's message is clear, the narrator is looking for booty. In fact, booty is so much the cause for search that the song itself opens with the voice of an old man begging the question "Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find some booty?" to which 95 South clearly offers a solution helpfully, albeit in five and half minutes of rhyme (nine minutes in the "ultimate maxi-mix"). 95 South also offers clues as to where it can be found -- hinting that you can "get a peek" for "a twenty dollar bill that's nice and crisp." Sounds easy enough to us. Tag Team, however, makes their hunt a little harder. According to Whoomp, "these words mean you're getting busy," which is admittedly more vague. The Medicine Show field team tested both these proclamations of discovery in the public arena, first by singling out construction workers who were clearly very busy and shouting "Whoomp, there it is," then by targeting female shoppers at a local mall by pointing at their anatomy with a "Whoot, there it is." While the "whoomp" went largely ignored, the "whoot" yielded far more interesting results, including the expulsion from a neighborhood Long John Silvers and, in one unfortunate staffer's case, chlamydia. POINT: If you're looking for booty, just take 95 South.

Challenge: Which tune shows more respect for the traditional meters set forth by the canon of classic poetry?
While you're not likely to see phrases like 95 South's "pop that thang" or "slam that big ol' thing off the stage" in your Norton Anthology of Poetry, you might notice a clear alliterative descendant of e.e. cummings or Dr. Seuss in Tag Team's "Whoomp, chaka laka chaka laka chaka laka." However, it must be noted that Whoot employs a traditional a-a-b-b-c-c rhyme scheme, compared to Tag Team's a-b-c-d-e-f-g, which was a far as we got before we just stopped keeping track. POINT: Despite its 20th century vernacular, 95 South shows much respek -- to the beloved scribes of the Victorian era.

Challenge: But 95 South and Tag Team both make such compelling arguments, who should I listen to?
While 95 South's booty-heavy Whoot retired mainly to the strip club circuit, Whoomp has still been discovered at roller rinks, children's birthday parties and, oddly enough, in the closing credits of Addams Family Values .POINT: Tag Team. To use their own words, Tag Team is "comin' atcha" -- the "atcha" being "atcha eight year-old nephew's upcoming Snowball dance."

Challenge: Both tracks were successful, but which group "kept it real" after these hits?
C.C. Lemonhead and Jayski McGowan of 95 South went on to produce future club favorites "Tootsie Roll" for the 69 Boyz and "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" for Quad City DJ's. Sadly, Tag Team's career was more lackluster, with the hit's variation of "Whoomp, There It Went," as well as the forgettable "Here It Is, Bam!" And no, we are not making these up. POINT: We like the way 95 South rolls -- forward, building on initial accolades.

THE CHAMP: 95 South, 3-2 Props to 95 South. Our lives are all better having known you. We guess. When we were a nation searching for where it was, you shined like a beacon of light, showing us where the booty at. And for that, I think we all owe you a great debt of thanks.

Holla back girl -- Email The Medicine Show

Culture Corner: An excerpt from George Bernard Shaw's "Major Barbara" with gratuitous product placement

2005-02-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

shaw
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ACT III

The next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in Milton Crescent. Sarah is reading in the HomeOriginals bowback armchair near the window. Barbara, in a Laura Scott sheath dress, pale and brooding, is on the L.L. Bean Freeport Ultralight sleeper sofa. Charley Lomax enters. Coming forward between the Ultralight and the writing table, he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably attired and in lone spirits.

LOMAX: You've left off your uniform!

Barbara says nothing; but an Maalox moment passes over her face.

LADY BRITOMART: (warning him in low tones to be careful) Charles!

LOMAX: (sitting down sympathetically on the Ultralight beside Barbara)
I'm awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you all I could with the concertina and so forth. The best a man can get. (Momentously) Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims of the Church of England.

LADY BRITOMART: That's enough, Charles. Speak of something suited to your mental capacity. Say it with flowers. Is it in you?

LOMAX: Have it your way. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our capacities.

BARBARA: (pressing his hand) Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. Anything less would be uncivilized. No more tears. Now go and spoon with Sarah.

LOMAX: (Seeing small business differently) How is my ownest today?

SARAH: I wish you wouldnt tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He always comes straight and does them. Cholly -- we're going to the works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon. Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.

LOMAX: Oh I say! Our night just got more interesting.

Adolphus Cusins enters in poor condition. He also starts visibly when he sees Barbara without her uniform.

BARBARA: I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didnt you guess that?

CUSINS: (filling it to the rim with Brim) I'm sorry. I have only just breakfasted. Gotta have my pops.

SARAH: But we've just finished lunch, eating fresh.

BARBARA: Have you had one of your bad nights? Have you that not so fresh feeling?

CUSINS: No, I had rather a good night -- in fact, one of the most remarkable nights I have ever passed. Oh, what a feeling!

LADY BRITOMART: You should have gone to bed after the meeting. What were you doing?

CUSINS: Obeying my thirst.

LADY BRITOMART: Adolphus!
SARAH: Dolly!
BARBARA: Dolly!
LOMAX: My goodness! My Guiness!

LADY BRITOMART: What were you drinking, may I ask?

CUSINS: (tasting the rainbow) A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free from added alcohol; a temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous. Tastes great. Less filling. Good to the last drop. I'm lovin' it!

SARAH: Where's the beef?

BARBARA: Fly the friendly skies.

LADY BRITOMART: Fleishman's makes sensible eating delicious.

LOMAX: Ho ho ho! Green giant!

(everyone laughs)

CURTAIN

Feel like chicken tonight? Email the Medicine Show

Dear TiVo

2005-01-31T16:28:00.000-05:00

tivo
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

It all started as a crush. I simply admired you from afar, you were so cool. I was really jealous of your friends. They got to spend all this time from you, and it was like you didn't even know I existed. I always heard "TiVo this," and "TiVo that," and it just made me like you more. I tried to make myself accessible, you know? Hanging around when I'd see you at Circuit City or Best Buy.

Then we finally got together. I couldn't believe it! We would sit around at home, watching Conan and Letterman together, just happy to be with one another. Remember that time you recorded Vh1's Behind the Music: Motley Crue for me as a surprise? That was hilarious, wasn't it? I mean, without you, I wouldn't have even known that was on.

True, we've had our spats. I mean, I know you think I'd like Moesha for some reason, but I'm just not that into it. And I know I watch Adult Swim, but you should know that doesn't mean I also want to watch The Animated Adventures of Jackie Chan. Oh, oh, don't cry -- it's okay. Sssshh. I know you're just trying to help. And just so you know, in the future, I do like CSI but you know, TiVo, it's on a lot in syndication. You really only need to record the first-run episodes for me. I don't need it seven times a day. Hey, look at me...look at me TiVo...this only makes us stronger as a couple. A relationship is a growing process. I'm just trying to be honest with you. Communication is what it's all about, right?

No, I'm not being hard on you. I promise. No, don't go! Stay? Please? There are so many good things about "us." I mean, last week you recorded Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, and I didn't even have to ask you. You know that's one of my favorites. And it's moments like those I remember all the good times. Yes, I'm sorry I cleared those three episodes of Wings. Yes, I know you did that for me. And I did appreciate it, even if I didn't watch them. I'd seen one of them already, that's all.

Hey, c'mere. Listen to me. No, we're not breaking up. If anything, our relationship is stronger than it's ever been. Listen, I'll make it up to you. We'll watch Friday the 13th XI this weekend, okay? Just me and you. All I'm saying, though, is this -- just because I like Friday the 13th movie doesn't mean that I want to watch Anaconda. Okay? It's nothing against you. I promise.

What? Awwww, TiVo. You recorded Biography: Robert Urich for me? Sure. You know I'm not crazy about Robert Urich, but I'll watch that with you. See? That's what I'm talking about -- it's all about compromise. We'll get through this.

So we're okay now, right? Don't get quiet...we're okay? Good. Thanks for listening to me. I just had to get some things off my chest. I'll make it up to you, okay? We'll get away together. It'll be good for us. Just you, me, and 79,000 feet of phone cord. Because you know I can't miss Celebrity Poker.

Join the Tivolution -- Email the Medicine Show

It's not their fault: Talking with your kids about Brad and Jen

2005-01-31T13:43:00.000-05:00

brad20050111
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

Celebrity Divorce is one of the most difficult and potentially life-changing events a young person can experience. As part of the Medicine Show's ongoing series News You Can Use, we offer tips on helping your child through this most trying of times.

Be honest. Children are very perceptive. Don't lead them to believe "Brad's just away shooting a film with Kevin Costner," or "Jen's got that Vanity Fair cover shoot in Vancouver this week." Children need straightforward answers to help them confront problems and begin to learn how to deal with real-life issues.

Listen quietly. Your child will likely have dozens of questions: "Is this because Along Came Polly tanked?" or "Did George Clooney's famously swinging lifestyle and tight-knit friendship with Brad have any influence on the marriage?" Don't try to interrupt these questions with a "fix-it" statement, like mentioning you just saw Brad on Diane Sawyer and he was talking about children. Your child will have many feelings, assumptions and concerns about the breakup of the high-powered Hollywood couple. Allow him or her to work through these issues verbally.

Don't put your child in the middle and force him or her to choose a side. Explain to them that it's still perfectly fine to enjoy both Friends and The Mexican. Curtail renting movies starring Angelina Jolie. It's important that your child realize that break-ups are a common part of life, and equally as important that your child still appreciate the oeuvres of both of these acclaimed celebrities.

Reassure your child that this separation will have no effect upon the work. Let him or her know that Jen's still planning on shooting Derailed with Clive Owen, and Brad is still scheduled to appear on Letterman Thursday. It's crucial that your child discover that while marriages end, life continues forward, and both Brad and Jen are still the same Tinseltown stars America has come to love through their quirky, endearing and memorable roles.

Read together. While denigrated by the "legitimate" press, bring home copies of The Star or The Enquirer and look at them together with your child. Seeing Jen on the Riviera or Brad attending a star-studded gala at the Bellagio will help your child more quickly come to terms with the split and send subtle messages that both parties are happier as a result.

Let your child know that it is perfectly normal for him or her to wish that Brad and Jen will get back together. Children can often feel ashamed of this very normal wish. Gently explain to them that while it is unlikely, his or her wish for reconciliation is understandable. In the short term, steer your child clear of "red carpet" specials or televised awards ceremonies. In time, this feeling will lessen and your child will learn to deal, on his or her own terms, with this devastating loss.

When you cry about Brad and Jen's divorce, try to separate yourself from your child by moving to an upstairs room, or by taking a drive alone to collect your thoughts and feelings. These crying jags are going to be necessary for both children and adults after such a dream-crushing separation, but these will eventually subside. And both you and your child will inevitably be able to move on. During this emotional time for our country, it's important to remain strong -- both for you and your child.

Obsess over your own relationships -- Email the Medicine Show

TV Review: Numb3rs

2005-01-24T15:51:00.000-05:00

list_cast_main
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

CBS' "Numb3rs" proves, once again, that math is not fun

CBS' grand rollout of the new drama Numb3rs after the games of Championship Sunday is a good idea.
A.) All of those who fell asleep during the dreadful Pats/Steelers game might wake up to it.
B.) It's a nice plug for a show into which CBS is clearly putting a lot of time promoting.
C.) It guarantees that at least a few folks watch it before its shuffled off to Friday nights where it will certainly, and probably deserves to, slowly die.

In the premiere episode, we meet Don Eppes (Northern Exposure's Rob Morrow), an L.A. cop trying to close in on a series of seemingly-random rapes. He's a stern fellow, and frustrated by a lack of leads. So he turns to his younger brother, wunderkind Charlie, played by David Krumholtz, and together the two solve the case -- er, well, Don barks orders while Charlie scribbles equations on a blackboard. We never actually see the process, so it's rather hard to understand how the whole thing settles up.

Don and Charlie ask each other probing questions as Charlie prints out maps of "hotzones," based apparently on the aforementioned equations which are kept hidden from us, while the Eppes boys' father, played by vet Judd Hirsch, simply wanders in and out of the screen, feeding a parrot, drinking coffee and making "regular joe" comments.

The premise of the show seems simple. Tough-as-nails cop enlists help from math genius to solve crime. And it's not a bad premise. But the problem is that the show's been so dumbed-down that none of the math involved, the math so crucial to the show's underlying point, is even remotely presented to the audience. We see Charlie rush into a meeting of L.A. cops, furiously erasing their chalkboards (try that sometime, will ya?) and throwing up map after map, claiming he knows precisely where the rapist is. How? We don't know. But we do know that every cop in the room is glued to him, and when his rant ends, they all hop up and rush out to canvas the area. Maybe if we could understand the clues, or at least have the opportunity to understand the clues, we could get behind the brothers. As it is, it's like watching a movie with the climax left out.

The always-affable Peter MacNicol plays a small role as Charlie's university colleague, who pushes Charlie to next-level thinking through trite philosophical tidbits which make little sense, and we can only expect several musical "scribbling equations on the chalkboard" montages throughout the season. One has to wonder how this flimsy premise, especially when not given any validity or thought (do the writers even know these equations or are they just skipping through?), can hold a viewer's attention. Overall, Numb3rs looks like long division: slow, painful, and at the end, we're not likely to see much of a remainder.

Drop the Zero and get yourself a Hero -- Email the Medicine Show

How's a team supposed to win a game with all these dark, otherworldly forces at work?

2005-01-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

molaram
Originally uploaded by cmtomlin.

Of the four teams left to do battle this weekend, all four are backed by fans who portend their home teams to be cursed. The New England Patriots have been battling the Sports Illustrated Curse, which maintains that athletes who appear on the magazine's cover proceed to drop off due to hard luck or injury. The Pats technically have broken the aforementioned curse, in 2004, by appearing on the Sept. 15th cover of SI last year, but if they lose, you can bet it will be because of the curse.

Pittsburgh fans consider themselves cursed due to the Steel City warriors' tendency to drop off at the end of a season. This curse has no name, and no real validation to back it up outside of sheer circumstance, but fans around the Steelers camp affectionately call it the Pittsburgh Curse and believe in it mightily.

The Atlanta Falcons actually suffered their curse last year, when they ran afoul of the Madden Curse, a curse supposedly targeting the athlete who makes the cover of each year's Madden video game (last year's visage was that of QB Michael Vick, who broke his leg before the season even began. He's come back to strong numbers since then, but Atlanta fans still insist last year's Madden Curse held eerily true.

Philadelphia, whose Eagles have botched three straight playoff series, considers themselves part of the Philadelphia Curse (see Pittsburgh Curse), which they claim has also affected the Flyers, 76'ers, Phillies, racehorse Smarty Jones, and presumably Rocky Balboa.

The nation has gone curse-crazy since the well-publicized breaking of the Curse of the Bambino, which purportedly began when the Boston Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees and ended, we believe, this year when the Sox won the championship. This curse is not to be confused with the Curse of the Goat, suffered by fans of the Chicago Cubs, and which is said to have begun when Greek tavern-owner William Sianis brought his pet billy goat to a game at Wrigley Field and was subsequently ejected, proclaiming the hapless Cubs would never again win a pennant or championship. They still haven't.

One might account for the current rash of curses as sheer rationalization. If we can't get over a specific hump, there must be a reason why. In the current American ethos, nothing's our fault. Your child isn't learning as he or she should? There must be a physiological reason why. Co-worker went and shot up the joint? Video games. We have to point a finger -- and if we can't accuse some deep-seeded psychological influence on our favorite athletes which leads to perpetual losing, why not point it at the skies? Something greater must be keeping us down. It's Clash of the Titans, and the world is just moving the way Sir Laurence Olivier decides.

Or perhaps feeling cursed is just a way of coping with the things we can't control. In this tempestuous day and age, it's just not enough for a team to simply win. Anyone can win a game. A team also has to overthrow a deep, nefarious scourge, freeing themselves, their franchises, and their legions of fans from long-time suffering. Maybe it's the feeling of validation a fan base receives after years of heartbreak, the mental removal of the world from their shoulders -- at least until next year. It transforms mere mortal athletes into evil-vanquishing conquerors. Sure, that guy was a great pitcher before, but now he's the Highlander. And isn't overcoming a supernatural demon a little more impressive than just pitching six good innings?

Sportsfans have long leaned on the crutch of fandom to deal with the frustrations of their own lives, finding solace in the victories of those they admire, celebrating the accolades of great athletes as if they themselves were on the team. Perhaps in these trying times, we need a little something extra -- the sheer intimidation of beating that undefeated team just isn't enough anymore. Not only does a challenger have to defeat that team, but if they beat that team and banish a plague from the land, we'll all sleep a little more soundly that night.

With so many evils tormenting the world right now, isn't it nice to think that we can take a few of them down with a well-placed touchdown? Overcoming a curse, even a self-inflicted or exaggerated one, gives us all a reason to think that evil can't touch us. We'll all walk a little taller as a result. Maybe we'll feel like the higher powers favor us a little more. And maybe we'll think, just for a short time, that the universe isn't completely against us -- and that with a little strength and a little luck, we can change the trajectory of the cosmos. It means defeat is not inevitable. It means we don't have to live with pessimism and disappointment any longer. We'll wake up tomorrow to a brand new day. We've achieved something greater. And all is right with the world again.

When you think about it like that, a curse doesn't sound so bad.

Break your slump -- Email The Medicine Show

The Medicine Show Answers Hollywood's Burning Questions

2004-06-24T15:10:00.000-04:00

If there's anything a truly great work of art can teach you, it's something you didn't know about yourself. I don't know what that means, but it certainly sounds like something that a film critic would say. Not that we here at the Medicine Show are film critics. We're just here to answer the great questions Hollywood has posed to us over the years:

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (1967)
Sydney Portier is coming to dinner, as the black fiancee dating the daughter of Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in this comedy that tested racial barriers long before its time.

How Green Was My Valley? (1941)
Very green, in this touching portrait of a coal-mining family at the turn of the century in a small Welsh Village. He was stern. She was gentle. Together they hoped against hope that their sons would find better lives.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
Judge Doom. He wasn't a real person. He was a crazy cartoon dressed up as a person.

What's Love Got to do With It? (1993)
Not a lot, actually.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)
She's holding her handicapped sister hostage in a small room because she's jealous that her fame burned out and her sister's so beloved. I told you that bitch crazy.

Whose Line is it Anyway? (1998)
It's Wayne Brady's line. Wait your damn turn until he's done singing.

Who's Harry Crumb? (1989)
That's a great question. He looks a lot like John Candy, but he's got a moustache. I saw Stripes, and I can assure you that John Candy does NOT have a moustache.

What's Happening? (1976)
Oh, gotta drop this check by the gas company, then I'll probably grab some chinese. Want to come?

About Last Night...(1986)
I wondered when you were going to bring that up. Look, sometimes when I drink a lot I pee on myself. It's embarrassing.

It Happened One Night (1934)
I wish. No, it's happened a few times. My doctor says I have a nervous bladder.

What's Happening Now? (1985)
You just asked me that. I really need to get to the gas company before they close.

Do the Right Thing (1989)
You're right. I probably need to jet. I don't want my gas turned off.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Yeah, it is.

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
Okay. We can hit that Aerosmith Concert, when is that?

9 1/2 Weeks (1986)
Right. I'll look into Ticketmaster.

You Can't Take It With You (1938)
I'm going to. It's not your pen. It was sitting here when we got here.

Goodbye, Mister Chips (1939)
Goodbye.

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot -- Email The Medicine Show

It's that time again!

2004-04-13T16:16:00.000-04:00

Attention garage bands! You've waited for it. Practiced for it. Lived for it. Now fill out your official registration for the Medicine Show's 19th Annual Band of the Day contest!

Lucky winners will be flown to Medicine Show's main office, where we'll roll out the red carpet and sign you to an exclusive 24-hour record deal, whereupon a song selected from your playlist by our "music experts" will saturate the airwaves from dusk till dawn till dusk again, when your hype is over!

Simply fill out the official "Band of the Day" registration form below and start getting mediocre today!

1.) I would classify my band as resembling:
___ Offspring circa-October
___ Sum 41 circa-December
___ Papa Roach circa-June
___ Avril Levigne's back-up band circa-Tuesday.

2.) I would say my band is:
___ just angry
___ angry and confused
___ angry and handsome

3.) My band members' pants:
___ are very baggy
___ are not very baggy

4.) I would classify my band's political stance as:
___ f*ck the government
___ not f*ck the government
___ undecided, but f*ck the government

5.) My band's frontman is:
___ quiet and brooding
___ loud and brooding
___ "crazy!" and brooding

6.) Our last "gig" was:
___ at a school dance
___ on a video we shot with older brother's digital camera
___ in the garage on that weekend Mom took Hilary to camp

7.) In our spare time, my band likes to:
___ skateboard
___ sit in front of the mall
___ skateboard in front of the mall

8.) My band's name is a word that is:
___ spelled correctly
___ not spelled correctly

9.) Do you or your band members regularly begin sentences with "If we
had half the publicity of Sugar Ray..."
___ yes
___ yes

10.) Is your band Sugar Ray?*
___ yes
___ no

11.) The last concert my bandmates and I attended was:
___ at an amusement park's designated concert amphitheatre
___ At a radio station's promotional giveaway
___ in the parking lot outside another band's concert

12.) My band is:
___ heavily tattooed
___ not heavily tattooed
___ totally getting tattoos after graduation

13.) Is it all about the music?
___ yes

14.) Would you allow fans to download your music illegally?
___ yes, it's a free country
___ no, that's not cool
___ yes, but only until our CD comes out, then that's not cool

15.) Are you sure you're not Sugar Ray?*
___ yes
___ no

Thanks for completing your "Band of the Day" registration. And good luck! Who knows, you could be Thursday's next big sensation!

*Offer not valid to members of Sugar Ray. Please stop calling us.

Sell out today -- Email The Medicine Show

CONFIDENTIAL

2004-04-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

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FROM: Mort Lowenstein, VP
TO: Hal Schmidt, ABC Development

RE: New Fall Line-up

Hal,

What a glorious eve for ABC! With "Friends" finally out of the picture in May, I truly believe we're in a position to take back prime time. During my recent ski trip to Alta, I took some time on the plane to brainstorm new program ideas. I hope you and the boys in development don't mind. Reclaiming our stakes from NBC will be no easy task, but I don't mind saying I think some of these have potential. Feel free to tweak where you see fit and get back to me.

PAR FOR THE COURSE - A womanizing, ex-professional golfer moves back in with his ex-wife and their three children. He learns to bond with the teens and tries to change his ways to win back his former wife's love. (possible fourth season finale: he does!)

HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE - A womanizing, ex-professional football player moves back in with his ex-wife and their four children. He learns to bond with the teens and tries to change his ways to win back his former wife's love. And also, maybe one of the kids is blind.

I'M WITH JESUS - "The Passion of the Christ" is huge right now. Jesus is huge. And the film really left everything open-ended. What happens next? I think ABC/Disney can really run with this. I mean, since Jesus is immortal, we can set everything in present-day. It works on paper. And just thinking out loud here, but maybe Jesus can have a dog that talks.

BUDDIES - A show set in Chicago about a bunch of male and female buddies. Not like "Friends," since one of the buddies has a magical power (can make time stop.) Maybe there's a kid in it, too. A cute one, that won't grow up awkwardly and look all weird (no braces!!!). That really burned us on Home Improvement.

DANCE SCHOOL COPS - An hourlong drama about two women (one's really pretty, the other not so pretty but has a good personality) who work as police officers during the day and attend dance class at night. Possible tagline: They've got all the right moves (?) Have creative work with it.

SPECIAL CRIME UNIT (SCU) - Gritty detectives from New York who work on special cases that the government calls "special crimes." And the detectives don't have names, because the government took their names away from them. And maybe they track down demons. Because one of them is part-demon, so he knows where the other demons are. Spend some time brainstorming this. And run it through legal.

AND BABY MAKES THREE - A comedy about two bungling brothers who inherit a baby in an adoption mix-up. And they don't know anything about raising babies. So their mom helps out (Cybil Shepard?) but she's just as bungling (that's why the brothers are bungling). Could be funny.

OH! LUCIANO! - Luciano Pavarotti vehicle starring the tenor as the tenant in a run down apartment building (can you imagine the possibilities?) But no fat jokes. The guy I'm talking to says he's really sensitive. And there's an old lady who lives in the building that complains a lot. Nice breakout character for merchandising.

SEEING EYES - hour drama about a blind kid (no braces!) with a talking dog. Cybil Shepard is the dog's voice. Could fight demons.

Let me know what you think. Again, just some suggestions. See you on the links Saturday.

-Mort.

Did You Know?

2004-04-05T16:49:00.000-04:00

With the advent of Mark Burnett's "Survivor: All-Stars" edition, the reality juggernaut seems poised to takes its immortal place in television history. Some interesting trivia about the nation's favorite game show:

- While “Survivor: Thailand” was filming, serious downtime due to the climate’s monsoon season led the disheartened Sook Jai Tribe to scrawl an entire screenplay solely on discarded coconut husks...and that screenplay became the smash hit “Mona Lisa Smile!”

- While most seasons of "Survivor" feature sixteen castaways, few people realize that "Survivor: Marquesas" originally began with seventeen castaways, the seventeenth being NASA chief aeronautics designer Dr. Martin Scholssen, whose luxury item was a jet pack, which he used to escape and was edited from the show entirely during post-production.

- The scenes in which "Survivor" champion Richard Hatch appear naked were actually shot using Hatch's body double -- best-selling spy novelist Tom Clancy!

- Producer Mark Burnett was inspired to create "Survivor" after his own experience of crash-landing his plane on a small island in the Pacific ocean with a full film and editing crew and with Target, Doritos and Sierra Mist air-dropping supplies to him after he successfully performed exciting time-trial contests.

- It takes up to three hours each morning for wardrobe technicians to glue lovably gruff castaway Rupert Boneham's trademark beard to his face and another two hours to authentically integrate sand, grass and food for realism.

- During the filming "Survivor: Africa," the cast was overthrown and enslaved by the hostile guerrilla regime Nbwaba Gzani, who installed dictator Mbubu Po as the final survivor and million-dollar winner!

- The winner of the first televised "Survivor" was seventies pop disco diva Gloria Gaynor, who sang her now-famous hit "I Will Survive" during her second to last day on the island and used her million dollars to buy a record company for the sole purpose of self-publishing the album, which reached number one in 1979!

- "Survivor" has actually been played for thousands of years, on hundreds of deserted islands, although most previous contestants weren't surrounded by a film crew and usually died!

KFC - Finger-lickin' deceptive

2004-03-31T14:12:00.000-05:00

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KFC.

We all know what it means, right? Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Not so fast.

Tell anyone from around the world that you're from Kentucky and immediately they'll come back with "Kentucky Fried Chicken?" I've seen it happen time and time again. I've known people who could barely speak English but who can say "Kentucky Fried Chicken."

Somewhere in our cultural past, fried foods became taboo. Pinpointing this is tricky, because surely we all knew fried foods weren't good for us for quite some time before the "new health consciousness" kicked in. And just as the new health consciousness is telling us now that carbs are bad for us (though last I checked, they were the base of the nutritional pyramid), somewhere along the line this way of thinking came to outlaw fried foods.

And it's true. They're right, you know. The new health consciousness is dead on in its targeting of fried foods. They clog up your arteries. Lead to heart disease. They're not good for the human body. Fried foods are trouble all 'round.

And here's KFC's problem -- how can they rebrand themselves when, for years, the word "fried" has been part of the name of the product? Never mind that it's paired with the word "Kentucky," and that culturally Kentucky and fried chicken go together like pickin' and grinnin'.

As an advertising writer myself, I've been in much the same spot. I've been asked to write "fresh, healthy" copy for a product that was neither fresh nor healthy. I'd routinely get notes back -- "we can't say low-carb, how about we say 'lower-carb', that way the customer knows it's not high, because we can say it's not high" or "legally we can't say fresh, since they come from a freezer in Minnesota."

KFC's clearly up against the wall. Time for some good, old-fashioned ingenuity. And that's where they dropped the ball.

Strategy A:
Change the name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC. Nowhere in a KFC restaurant will you see the name Kentucky, unless it's in a promotional piece featuring the slowly-fading icon of Colonel Sanders. They'll simply call themselves KFC from now on. And that'll be that. No more "fried", since they can't think of another word to replace "Fried" with that still works in context with "Kentucky" and "Chicken." And to be fair, it worked. The public vernacular now refers to it as KFC.

Strategy B:
They're getting buried with the fried thing. But hey, chicken's good for you, right? So technically, since fried chicken isn't a greasy cheeseburger, it's healthy. Well, healthier, at least. So they go with the healthy message.

Now, I don't know if you were lucky enough to see any of the spots that followed this strategy, but the commercials born of this thinking were borderline absurdist. One featured a young wife bringing home a bucket of chicken home to her couch-anchored husband with the line "it's okay. It's healthy." Needless to say, this spot lasted only a few weeks because we, the general public, while easily hoodwinked, are not about to believe that fried chicken is healthy. We may miss a lot, but give us a little credit.

Strategy C:
An extraneous strategy, really. Seems everyone still knew that the "F" in "KFC" still stood for fried. But they changed it already, remember? It's not "fried" anymore, it's KFC! Apparently there was some need felt in corporate to make sure the fried message disappeared entirely. So what now?

They change the "F", that's what. We make sure that everyone knows the "F" stands for "fresh," not "fried," and we call the whole product "kitchen fresh chicken." And the spots? Several people sniffing into the air saying "is that kitchen fresh chicken?" Of course it is! And it's delicious!

So what are we left with? Chicken, that's true. From Kentucky? Not anymore. Fried? Yes, but let's pretend it's not. Fresh? No, but let's pretend it is. Kitchen? I suppose in some loose way, it is created in a "kitchen" (but only with added finger quotation marks).

In the end, you really can't fault KFC for at least trying. Though they vastly overrestimated the susceptiveness of the American consumer, they had to do something. And short of changing one's name and brand history altogether, they weren't left with much of an option. It's just unfortunate for them that while the consumer population was so quick to accept fried foods as Satan incarnate, KFC was unable to turn the same easily-fooled public around to believe that they were, in fact, "kitchen fresh chicken."

And KFC seems to still be doing just fine. So don't lose sleep.

Instead, save your tears for the pork rind industry.

Fox in the Henhouse

2004-03-31T10:55:00.000-05:00

Not long ago, the Fox Network unveiled its new reality series "The Littlest Groom," a "Bachelor"-style program which began with a 4'5" single fellow and followed him through an elimination process in which he'd pick his soul mate. Let's be honest. It was really just "The Bachelor," only with little people. When certain activist groups caught wind of the upcoming show, they caused a fuss in the media concerning Fox's exploitation of little people. Fox combatted this uproar by releasing the statement: "We have gone to great lengths to make sure everybody on this program is treated with dignity and respect."

What made this statement interesting is that no more than six months ago, Fox had aired another program including little people -- only the program was entitled "Man Versus Beast" and featured a group of forty little people racing against an elephant to see which one would be the first to pull a jetliner 75 feet on an airport tarmac. Now THAT's dignity and respect.

Fox continues to set the bar for dignity and respect in its announcement of "The Swan," which, according to the press, "takes women who are stuck in a rut and revitalizes them by restoring their beauty and confidence via incredible physical, mental and emotional transformations."

Riiiight.

What this means, in Fox-speak, is that the show plans to take eighteen women they deem to be unattractive and perform intensive plastic surgery on them, then team each with a coach, therapist, trainer, cosmetic surgeon, dentist and stylist. The promos portend that the contestants will undergo in-depth physical reconstruction and be unable to see themselves until a dramatic event during which each woman will be revealed to herself in a mirror to, we assume, suddenly realize she's beautiful.

In the Fox ethos, this is a wonderful public service because beautiful people don't have problems. Everyone loves beautiful people. Fox has shown us this in its other pillars of broadcasting -- "Paradise Island" and "Forever Eden," both programs in which beautiful people argue with other beautiful people because no one involved has the capacity to realize that they have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Now, let's suppose for a moment that Fox, through its magic machine, could take anything you don't like physically about yourself and make it go away. Wow. That's amazing, right? God bless the Fox network. Who doesn't have something they'd like to change about their physical appearance?

What Fox is saying is this: by fixing the flaws you've lived with your entire life, you'll revitalize your energy, your appearance and your state of being not only internally, but societally. You'll feel great about yourself. And job offers will pour in, because hey, you look terrific. The world is yours.

But because this is Fox we're talking about, there's a catch. And the catch is this: not only are they going to transform you from ugly to beautiful, because you're ugly and you should be beautiful, but once they've done it, and revealed to you how wonderful you are, and revitalized your life, etc. etc....they will proceed put you on stage in what they're hyping as "The Ultimate Beauty Pageant" and judge you! Again!

It's all true. Horribly, horribly true. Once your body is fixed as perfectly as medical science can make it, you get to stand with the other "swans" as judges rank your physical appearance. And negate the entire process. So while you may be beautiful and rejuvenated, and feel great about yourself, just bear in mind that you're not as beautiful as Shirley there to your left. Sorry.

But hey. You knew what you were getting when you signed up, right? I mean, this is Fox, after all.

And the scariest part of it all? Press releases are referring to the dramatic end-of-series beauty contest as "The 1st Annual Swan Pageant."

Which means there will be more.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Fox won't stop until it has destroyed us all.

True Grit

2004-03-30T14:18:00.000-05:00

HBO's latest foray into original dramatic programming, the western ornery-fest "Deadwood," is an exercise in intensity. Everything's intense. The characters are intense. The language is intense. The lighting and sets are intense. Everyone looks very intensely at the camera. Characters shove their hats onto their heads with various degrees of intensity. But intensity does not a classic make.

As the network has shown through exceptional dramatic series as "Six Feet Under" and "The Sopranos," HBO knows how to let the fire cook a good plot. How many times have we been left after an episode thinking "something big's getting ready to go down." That's a great feeling. It makes you want to watch next week. It makes you wait for next week, and spend all week talking to everyone else you know who watched it about what's happening next week.

But while "Deadwood" shows signs of life, it also oozes the feeling that they're trying a little too hard. Everyone looks as if they're going to have an aneurism at any moment, and you know that little vein that pops out of your head when you get mad? It's the star of the show.

The central plotline of the story revolves around Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant), an ex-sheriff who's left his badge in the dust to move with his partner to the mining town of Deadwood, where the two plan to open a hardware business and capitalize on the mining boom. And that's all fine and good. It's the American way. But Bullock comes across as the anti-Earp, brooding and seething each line effectively but with a little too much anger. Why's he so angry? He just is. Because that, as HBO wants us to believe, is how cowboys really were. But we've barely come to know Bullock, or what he stands for, or how he takes his eggs, before we're already saddled with his "man possessed" qualities. They just don't let us like him. And I'm beginning to think that's the thread here -- you're not supposed to like any of these folks.

I applaud the network's attempt here; they want to show us a different Old West, a place that was threatening, dark and full of miscreants. But "Deadwood" plays out like "The Sopranos" circa 150 years ago. Tony Soprano is a mobster, sure, but he's also a person. Sometimes he laughs, sometimes he beats people up, sometimes he sits down and watches TV. But Olyphant's Bullock, so far, doesn't do anything human. He just stares at people and hisses out his lines. And he's our hero? (A: yes, apparently, he is.)

Olyphant's supporting cast includes Keith Carradine as Wild Bill Hickok, who at least shows signs that his organic makeup is that of a human being, Ian McShane as an unscrupulous saloon/brothel-keep who's apparently just one thing: unscrupulous, and Robin Weigert as Calamity Jane Canary (who seems to be trying to play her character as tough as nails, but instead just sort of acts semi-retarded). Mix in a foppish dandy from the east, an Igor-esque hotel owner, and various others that the wardrobe department just doused in dirt, and you've got several variations on the same character. Just choose the defining characteristic -- tough or crooked?

Despite the fact that each character is either tough (read: noble...I guess), or crooked (kills whoever they want to), the cast can agree on one thing -- they're all going to swear as much as possible. Because what says tough/crooked more than gratuitous profanity? Quentin Tarantino and Martin Scorsese take us into the world of the criminal by showing us how these people speak, which is often laden with profanity. But "Deadwood" shows us that any sentence is a good place to throw something in (how many times have you heard someone use the phrase "I damn f*cking am.") There are spots in the script where one can't even tell what the point of the sentence is. I'm as desensitized to profanity as they come, and colorful language doesn't frighten me off a bit, but as a writer, I shudder when grammar and syntax suffer because apparently a character can't speak without throwing in so many four letter words that you forget what the original sentence must have been.

"Deadwood" could have been a very interesting show; a different look at the lawlessness of the true Old West, replacing the pristine "white hats vs. black hats" genre with a realistic historical viewpoint of the frontier as a haven for thieves, murderers and would-be-millionaires. Instead, it sets its levels at "way way intense" and leaves its audience rolling its eyes -- excuse me -- it's damn f*cking eyes.